A Journey it was.. Where do I start xD

I was only able to take two doses before realising I was no longer in control. Many took 3, 4 and 5 doses. A dose was administered through a small shot glass.

After the first dose, I lay myself down, feeling a sense of doom and unworthiness come upon me. Suddenly my vision altered and I slowly started to close my eyes. There was a light from behind a veil. The veil was not like a curtain, it felt more biological. The light that shined on the veil showed what I could only understand as roots or veins. These were not from my eyes mind you.

-The ceremony was held outdoors with the only light coming from a small camp fire kept away from the ceremonial area and the fire was nothing more than burning coal left over from a fire that burned earlier. They used the coal to produce smoke that they used to burn basic household herbs like sage and their home tobacco, to bless everyone joining the ceremony.-

I heard her. She was calling me asking me to lift the veil so that I may see beyond it. The tribe call her Yage the Great Mother and Plant Spirit. The Veil did not lift but the calling & the longing grew stronger with the sense of doom & unworthiness. I stayed silent trying to focus on the voice calling trying to will the veil to be lifted. I heard soft crying from the people all around me. I heard them throwing up. My thoughts at this point were; did I do something wrong? Did I not prepare correctly? There was nothing I could recall, and I followed the Shamans instructions diligently and religiously.

http://www.indian-cultures.com/cultures/cofan-indians/

I could hear the Shaman calling for those who wanted the second dose from afar. I heard him call twice before I stood up and sat in front of him waiting. I took my second dose and lay myself back down.

The Feeling of doom grew stronger by the minute & the light behind the veil grew stronger but the veil never lifter. The Voice grew louder in my head. I tried to call back. I had no voice. All of a sudden the voice was gone. The light faded and a deep deep sadness overcame my entire being. A story was being told to me, a path was drawn in front of me.

To continue I have to explain that before the ceremony the Shamans advised us to have questions ready. I had three. We were advised to meditate on our questions the day before and we spent the day meditating till the time of the ceremony.

I learned that the veil will not lift till I was healed.

In a Human’s last moments of death, The Dying Wish if I may, is the thing that occupied them the most. The thing that occupied their thoughts, minds, conscious, and their very existence. So much that on their deathbed, if unresolved, they will either accept it and make peace with it at last, or repeat a series of words or sentences relating to the subject. It will be the last thing they remember and die regretfully only seeing what it is that they feel they failed most at.

“My Money!! My Money!!” “The Kids!! The Kids!!” “The Business!!” “I’m a Sinner!!” “Pay My Debts!” “Take Care of (whoever)!!” & so on.

The story told to me was of my daughter, I saw her past present and future. I lived her emotions, her memories and I saw all the paths that lead to each future that was possible. I saw how each was reached and I saw the situations and events that lead to each outcome. I saw her future and I cried and I cried and through all that it suddenly became clearer and clearer what must be done. It’s a little hard to explain. It was as if I’ve lived it all at the same time. All parallel timelines is the simplest way to explain it but that explanation doesn’t even do it justice.

The story suddenly turned to me. The feeling of death was upon me again, I felt like I was dying. I tried to scream for help again and again, a pressure built into my throat so greatly till it subsided back down releasing the energy through rough hard deep breaths. I had no voice. I was then watching my past and one by one I saw each and every moment showing me why my voice didn’t exist. I saw the events that took place, the actions taken towards me and by me that slowly caused it to diminish. I suddenly fully understood why and what I am and how I became who I am far more clearly than I ever believed I did.

My questions were answered. All of them, and they were not related to the above. In some ways they were but they weren’t what I thought I had asked. The answers I wanted came to me but only after the healing was over. Once the story was over I slowly came to, I stood up in the middle of everyone looked around me with a deep feeling of sad realisation. An epiphany, yet I still felt sad not realising what was going on inside me. I didn’t understand it at that moment fully. I walked around looking for somewhere to sit alone, I felt like I was being guided. I walked till I found a small space between branches and roots with a small space in the middle that I could crawl in. I crawled into it, watching others around me smiling gleefully and laughing through their experience. Suddenly I was alone, and I lost control again.

I remember watching myself from above. I was crouched watching everyone from behind the trees and bushes through the leaves. Paying attention to every sound that came from all around me. I heard footsteps coming from ahead of me. Out of instinct I sat up in a feral position, like a cat, waiting to see what it was, and what it wanted. Waiting for the exact moment to pounce. It was one of the Shamans Assistants peering through, trying to see where I had gone. He saw me, saw the way I sat and looked a little surprised asked me if I was okay, I took a step back and felt more adrenaline rush through me. Still paying attention to all the other sounds around me. My head turned slightly at the sound of leaves rustling behind me, muscles tensing. The Strangest experience, watching myself from far yet still feeling my own body. The Shaman asked again. The sound behind me stopped and I relaxed realising it was the wind. I sat more relaxed. I nodded my head and the Shaman and with a confused look nodded back and walked away.

I stayed behind the bushes and watched him walk away through the leaves. I fully relaxed but still wary of all the sounds around me. I watched the people till I was fully sure none would come my way. I flattened the leaves with my hands and feet and lay down with my feet pulled close to my body and my hands in front of me. I closed my eyes and the image of a jaguar came into my mind. First the face, then the rest of it. Going through the same motions I had just gone through. I stayed there now back into my own body and mind. I kept my eyes closed and for the life of me I can’t remember what my thoughts were. I just remember the sounds that caught my attention, that made me suddenly twitch my head in the directions they came from to hear them better. To be sure it wasn’t coming towards me.

In that time I stayed in the bushes I felt more alone than ever I had in my entire life, but it was a comfort.

When my eyes opened next I felt my stomach heave. I reached for the plastic bag I carried with me opened it and threw up multiple times till I felt better. I sat up normally looked around me, felt a sharp pain in my left hand. I looked at my hand and found 3 puncture marks and quickly looked around to see the Roots and Branches that surrounded me were full of spikes. The space I sat in was the only clear space that could only one person could fit. I looked for the direction I came in and realised I had to crawl quite tightly to have reached where I was. I tied the plastic bag and crawled back out.

These Thorns were not soft, they were hard and sharp, if you stepped on one they didn’t just poke and hang, they dug deep. Very deep, someone stood on one hard and could only crawl for 4-5 days.

It was Dawn. The sky was only slightly lighter but the forest was light enough to see more than I could the night before. I could see many of the other people had changed places and were lying down.

I went close to the teepee that was next to the ceremonial circle and lay down. My mind was full of thoughts. Plans started formulating against my will as they usually do only this time, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

The last I heard of the voice, it told me I needed to visit again, that she was not done, and there was still more to be healed.

During the time I was laying down next to the teepee, I realised the veil was not a veil, but that I was in a womb. I was back in the womb. The feeling of death and doom was death itself.

I went searching for rebirth, and I found it. I’ve learned more about life and people since then. I pay more attention & I listen more rather than talk. I’d rather sit and listen, before I speak. I felt myself reset. Like I could start new. Yet I feel I needed more and I should have taken more, I should have done more. Since that outer experience in the forest I’ve taken to wearing more animal Jaguar like prints on shirts. I feel more connected. My Mayan Sign is the Jaguar I later learned. I studied more about the Jaguar and it’s habits and laughed as I saw quite the similarity in social preferences. 


I’m not saying I am a Jaguar or anything but it’s now my favourite animal!

The Tribe I joined were the Cofan, who were all about family. They sang songs about family during the ritual.